I was walking near a sports oval recently and spotted a boy aged about 8 carefully examining a tree while others of his group were interacting nearby, playing football or some such.
I thought it was a good opportunity with such a clear-cut example to look at things from both sides.
From a Parent’s point of view there is distress that the Child is missing out.
And there is also an instinctive desire for the Child to be similar to the others (which has a ‘survival-basis’ at its core: to be blunt – in a primitive society where resources are scarce the first to not survive is the one not fitting-in and not co-operating with the others).
So, “what do I do next as a Parent, in response to this behaviour ?”
I suggest you reject the ABA approach to making the Child ‘seem to be normal’, via instructing the Child how to behave, which triggers a reward if obeyed.
How would ABA apply in the above case? The parent’s approach would be to make the Child appear more similar to the others. The Child would first be taken away from the tree. Then using prior practice with ABA the Child would be reminded to look the other children in the face and say standard phrases to them.
Some Children might also respond to being told to run around with the others, and shout similar words, which might look ‘normal’ but the Child will not have the motivation to do it, in fact will not understand why he is doing it, other than the demands of the parent’s instruction (and he relies heavily on them), and the reward of praise and maybe a chocolate / other reward.
I urge you instead to look at ‘motivation-based’ therapies like Son Rise, to a lesser extent Floortime and Play Project (and mine – Real World Training!) that are based on working with what the Child wants to do.
Progress may appear slower with these therapies because your Child is not quickly responding in ABA-fashion (much as an actor does when reading from a script) but you are encouraging the Child to act from his own desires, not those imposed on him from outside, so in the longer run his responses will be genuine. Then you will not see older Children (in teens and beyond) on YouTube saying they feel like they are just playing a role, not in touch with what they are feeling.
However before “going along with the Child” and working with what he wants to do, there is an earlier stage, and that is Understanding what is going on first.
Or put another way looking at things from the other side, as mentioned earlier. Why not look at what’s happening from the Child’s point of view as well?
So when looking things from the other side, firstly it is important for everyone to acknowledge that ‘examining the tree’ is what the Child most wants to do at this point in time.
Tony Attwood describes this overly-focused action as “self-mesmerising”.
That’s all very well, but why the need to self-mesmerise?
Why does the Child want to closely examine a tree?
(Note right here, this is where you can begin to think (and act!) like a trained therapist yourself! All that distress-energy that you have inside you when observing your Child missing out, can instead be directed into curiosity, into finding out what is happening to your Child and helping fix it!)
There may be a range of reasons why the Child is examining a tree to self-mesmerise, but they could be roughly summarised as behaviour designed to defend against the feelings of being confused/distracted/unable to focus, or physical discomfort.
On my site I try to get you to feel what your Child feels, with the section “You experience Autism”. On the page: https://mild-autism.com/strange-sounds-odd-actions/ we see the reason for self-mesmerising is to stay “grounded”, like a soldier repeating his “name/rank/serial number, as seen in old WW2 movies.
In support of this assertion, I also encourage you to look at “Asperger Experts” which is published by two impressive young men who can describe to you what your Child is feeling, having been there themselves when younger.
Danny Raede says your Child is mesmerising to stave off feelings of confusion or distress. In his famous analogy he likens training of our Children’s behaviour to “teaching a soldier on the front line to knit” – he says “that’s all very well, but I am not paying attention, I am just trying to stay alive here!”
If, as he goes on to say, you can take the Child out of the war zone, making him feel relaxed and grounded, then you can train him, but not before!
Getting back to our Tree example, if we first try to Understand our Child, our first action is to see how absorbed our Child is, how distracted and distressed.
If he is not able to quickly respond then he is not going to be able to learn behaviour training from you at this point. So sometimes you cannot train.
The best solution is to just be with your Child to reassure and be a companion.
And just sitting there is not high-tech, it’s not fancy, not instantly-curative, in fact having no feedback you are not even sure if it’s useful (so you wonder if you are wasting your time) it is boring for you, but it has one simple advantage – it is what your Child wants.
Sometimes however, you might observe some response from your Child, some preparedness to look about and absorb some of the Real World. Things at this point are not overly-distressing for him.her. So NOW is your time to Train.
Next question then: HOW to Train?
The motivation-based therapies will encourage you to COPY what your Child is doing. Why? to show you are on his side, to enjoy a little elementary interaction like “parallel play” and importantly you convey that what he is doing is not “wrong”.
By contrast, if you convey through an ABA instruction that the Child is wrong and needs to do something different, his distressed and confused state will just become more distressed and confused.
“But is Copying all I can do via Motivation-based strategies?”
It is the right start. He is patting the tree. You pat the tree. He may be making some odd sounds. You make the same sounds. You do this a few times. And then you feel not only feel bored but wonder if there might be more you can do.
This is where the creative side of you comes out. Imagine what you would do when examining the tree, beyond your Child’s limited routine.
You might strip a bit of bark off, and look for bugs underneath. You might crush a leaf if it has a scent and smell it, or drop a leaf and watch it fall.
The point is you are now looking for ways to extend your Child’s routine, which hopefully you can involve him in. Another important reason that your Child is deeply examining the tree, is because it gives him control over his environment, limited though it may be. It is a small part of the World where unexpected or inexplicable things do not occur, and patting the tree does make a connection with the World, no matter how small.
But if you can help him extend his control by showing him other things he can do with the tree, you will help give him a feeling of growth and success, and these feelings are amongst those normally denied him. It has the potential to inspire and make him happy. As Tony Robbins would say, the times you feel most alive and happy are those when you feel you are growing in some way, “getting somewhere”, experiencing success.
So now try gently holding his hand or get him to hold yours while you do the bark stripping, or leaf crushing /dropping or whatever you have invented to do.
Consider also that if you are the agent by which this development happens, you increase the trust and love he may be feeling shy about giving you. With him you are making a rapport-connection, a feeling that all humans need very much.
If you were to read further on the abovementioned web page https://mild-autism.com/strange-sounds-odd-actions/ you would also see the comment that our Children are in need of other feelings that may be denied them when putting them in a “special case” basket. The exhortation on that page is to first consider them as kids with the usual human needs before anything else, because those needs have to be fed if you expect the “normal” behaviours and outcomes. Too often putting them in a ‘separate category’ makes Parents lose sight of their Child’s primary and principal needs.
OK, so you have joined in, you have extended your Child into new territory, now (if he is ready) try some further interaction. You might hide partly behind the tree and try a “boo” by poking your head out. If possible, and safe, you might try climbing into the first bough of the tree, making perhaps a sound like he does. Then step down and offer to lift him up, again only where safe. You might put some leaves in your hair and encourage him to brush them off.
If he is not too “visually-sensitive” it would give him incentive to look at your face and expression while brushing your hair, which affords another kind of human contact.
Now for the final stage, again only if he continues to show interest, otherwise put it off till he is sufficiently receptive. Try to extract a reciprocal comment or response from him, that will bring him further into the Real World of human interaction.
If you had leaves in your hair, and perhaps holding his hand to brush them off, say “the leaves are going to fall off : one, two…. three!” and on three have him brush them off, or perhaps you and he are holding the leaves and dropping them together.
Then when the routine has begun, try Withholding a little to get his response.
Say instead, “the leaves are going to fall: one, two …. ???” and get him to respond, to supply the final word.
When you get a response you didn’t get before, I promise you that you’ll feel a great deal of success, relief, hope, direction.
It is the start of a journey. And one that will demand more of you.
But you will feel a greater sense of certainty that you are doing the best you can for your Loved One, now and into his.her future.